Who Am I?

Brothers and Sisters in Christ,

This message to you is a little longer than usual, since I haven’t had much time with you (so I have a lot to say!) and since many of us have more time on our hands than usual (so you have a lot of time to read!).  I hope you won’t mind.

“And now the cry of the Israelites has reached me, and I have seen the way the Egyptians are oppressing them.  So now, go. I am sending you to Pharaoh to bring my people the Israelites out of Egypt.”  But Moses said to God, “Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the Israelites out of Egypt?”  And God said, “I will be with you. And this will be the sign to you that it is I who have sent you: When you have brought the people out of Egypt, you[b] will worship God on this mountain.”  Moses said to God, “Suppose I go to the Israelites and say to them, ‘The God of your fathers has sent me to you,’ and they ask me, ‘What is his name?’ Then what shall I tell them?”  God said to Moses, “I am who I am.  This is what you are to say to the Israelites: ‘I am has sent me to you.’” (Exodus 3:9-14)

“Let us make humankind in our image” (Genesis 1:26)

Way back when, when I was a boy, my brother and the neighbor kids and I would play up and down the street, running around, playing cops and robbers, hide and seek, football and baseball, riding bikes;  I haven’t played those games in a long time and would quickly need an oxygen tank if I tried!.  Not quite as long ago, when I was in college, I learned to solve partial differential equations and the basics of quantum mechanics; now I can’t remember how to solve those complex math and physics problems.  Like most parents, I have fond memories of reading to my children, snuggled up on my lap two at a time; my kids don’t fit on my lap anymore, and they ask for money instead of time reading a book. 

When I entered the workforce, I learned to program on a mainframe computer and troubleshoot problems for an airline, at times flying across the country every week; It’s been a few years since I’ve been on a plane or walked into a business meeting.  Which era of my life was really me?

As a pastor for the past 17 years, up until just two months ago (with the exception of a snow day about every two years), each week I would put on a black robe and greet folks that shared my faith as they streamed into a beautiful sanctuary.  We would pray and sing and hug and shake hands, laugh and sometimes cry, and pray some more.  I would spend the weeks dividing my time between administration and visitation and teaching and preparation for the coming week’s sermon.  In this pandemic, those routines have now changed significantly, as now most of the visits are over the phone.  Some of my pastor friends have encountered tragic situations, trying to do pastoral care and perform funerals in this time of isolation, when family members can’t gather to comfort one another, because they are trying to protect one another out of love and compassion.  We’ve all been experiencing the changing of our routines, the loss of regular contact with friends and family, the introduction of new anxieties.  We are dealing with much greater uncertainty about how the future will unfold.  Employment, education, finances, travel, health, it’s all less defined than it was just a few months ago.  How will we know what to do?

These uncertainties have us questioning our identities.  I remember, after my first son was born, that I was working and Amy was able to stay home.  After a few years and two more children were born, my wife went back to work.  It was a huge change!  I loved my family, but I was very accustomed to a pattern of life where I would work during the day and spend family time on weekends and evenings.  When I had to start arranging my schedule around school drop off and pickup, I thought, “How can I be a good worker when I’m sitting in car line?”  “How can I get this project done for my boss if I’m changing diapers?”  I laugh about it now, but at the time it was stressful!  That transition to different parental-duty-sharing took a long time!  When I entered seminary, I experienced a similar shift.  As an undergraduate, I was a focused student and my grades were my top priority.  In seminary, I had a student pastorate to tend and a family to raise, and I simply didn’t have enough time in the day to do all the reading and writing to be at the top of my academic game.  “Dear God, Who do you want me to be?” 

Some of the changes and anxieties throughout my life occurred as a result of major crises in our society.  The fear of societal shakeup with the Y2K computer bug, and the attacks on New York and Washington DC, the popping of the housing bubble.  What if society collapsed?  What if the banks lost our savings?  What if, what if, what if?  Should I clear my suburban backyard of trees and learn to plant wheat and vegetables?  I don’t know how to be a subsistence farmer!

I remember asking God some of those questions at my breakfast table one morning shortly before the Y2K computer bug was predicted to hit.  That particular morning, in the midst of my worry, God more or less replied, almost audibly:  “If you think what you have accumulated is only your doing, Ed, well, good luck.  I’ll leave you to your own devices.  But I hope you remember that I am the giver of every good gift – your job, your home, your relationships, everything good comes from me, and I have given you what you need.  I will continue to give you what you need.  I hope you trust ME, but the choice is yours.”  God hasn’t often, or really ever before or since, spoken in that way to me; but the message sunk into my heart.  I decided to let go of the worry, and to trust that God would see us through, even if the circumstances changed negatively and life looked different than it had.  I decided to trust that God would provide enough, and that was good enough.

Teenagers moving into adulthood often embark on a journey of identity – to “find themselves,” to “discover who they are.”  It’s an important question.  Often, though, it is tied to some notion of achievement.  “I am somebody” if I (fill in the blank: get this job, get a good grade, get into this college, graduate on time, never have to ask someone to help, make my daddy proud).  Times of uncertainty, like the ones we are currently in with this pandemic, make us question that identity:  “If I have to have a job to be somebody, and now I’ve lost my job, who am I?  Am I worthy of love?  Am I a failure?” 

The answer to the question, “Who am I”, I believe, is partially found in our scripture this morning.  We are made in God’s image, it says in Genesis.  “Who is God?” we ask.  “Who shall I tell the Israelites is sending me?” Moses asks.  God says, “Tell them, “I am.”” “Tell them I have heard their cries of suffering.”  God did not say “I do” or “I’m good at creating stuff.”  God said, “I am,”  We are made in that very image of God.  As God’s children, we find our ultimate identity as Beings.  We are.  Period.  Not ultimately “We do,” or “we are good widget-makers.”  Those statements might be true, we might be good or not good at making widgets, but ultimately, our worth is found in the truth that God dreamed us up and created us just as we are, and that is enough for God.  That is enough to be loved supremely.  It was enough for God to say, “Tell them my name is I am,” and it is enough for us to know that God takes delight in us just as we are.  And God feels the same about our neighbors; every one of them.

As beings, to be sure, we will have moments and even days of anxiety and challenge and even some measure of failure.  We might not know what move to make next.  We might have to get reoriented after major disappointments.  We might need to heal after suffering a great injury.  We might have to experience humility and beg forgiveness after harming another.  We might even have to come to terms with our own limitation and mortality, if our business struggles or fails, or if a health condition takes away our dreams for travel and leisure or even comfort.  But that doesn’t change the truth that “We are.”  Our worth comes from being, not doing. 

So the next time you start thinking, “Why is this happening to me?  Who am I if I’m not a (fill in the blank),”  I wonder what would happen if you asked God, “God, what are you up to?  What will you do in or around me as we journey through this circumstance?  Continue to reveal to me who you are, and who I am.”  “I will trust in you, this day, and forevermore, because you are the great “I am” and I am made in your image.  I am wondrously made, and that is enough.”  No matter what today may bring, may we not worry about it; may we instead direct our attention to God to walk with us all the way through it, delighting in God’s company as we go.

Amen.

Yours in Christ,

Pastor Ed